Childless By Choice
A marginalized social class
Recently, a friend of mine introduced me to her childhood schoolmate. We had been sharing a story about our newly teenage daughters, when Harry Styles came up in conversation. You know, like he does. Her friend, Elizabeth, shared that she had recently taken her nieces to his concert in Los Angeles. I told her that in my mind, that made her the rock star. She immediately told me that she didn’t have children of her own, but was in fact, “the cool Aunt”. We shared a laugh as I told her that before I was a middle-aged, crabby Mom, that was my old job.
Later than evening, I reflected on our conversation, and while I wouldn’t go as far as to say that she apologized for not having children (as she appeared very secure with her life choices) it seemed that she did feel the need to explain it. Her “lack of children”. To a complete stranger.
I have encountered this before. Happy, secure, and fulfilled women who for one reason or another didn’t have kids, felt the need to qualify that part of their life. Why they didn’t have any. Some didn’t find a life partner and didn’t want to fly solo. Some found a life partner and they both (gasp) chose not to reproduce. Some just plain knew they didn’t want any. Some have incredible and dynamic careers that either don’t allow time for children or are so fulfilling, don’t necessitate them.
But the reasons why shouldn’t matter and aren’t anyone else’s business.
Fortunately, our society is moving more toward acceptance and understanding of many oppressed members of society; racism, homophobia, sexism, ageism (very much still a work in progress), while not obliterated, seem to be heading in the right direction. But it seems the dialogue about women and motherhood often remains the same, as does the societal pressure surrounding it.
Before my husband and I had children I was frequently asked when we were going to start a family. However, these questions are rarely directed at men and yet, while the choice not to have children is on the rise, according to the Pew Research Center in Washington, DC, “There are no differences by gender” in making this call.
There will always be cultural, socioeconomic and societal variations within these dialogues. However, when getting to know a fellow human shouldn’t we be asking more salient questions?
When meeting someone, wouldn’t you rather know what makes someone who they are, rather than how productive their ovaries or their adoption attorneys have been? I would rather know what they read, what makes them laugh, where they are from, if they are kind, philanthropic, creative, where they like to travel. I want to hear about a career I didn’t know even existed; You can get paid to be a hacker? A food scientist? Someone who studies clouds? Fantastic!
I can hear the protests now. Women without children are not marginalized in the same way as members of the LGBTQ+ community, the elderly, anyone who isn’t white, or people who wear socks with Crocs. Or just wear Crocs.
And you would be right, they aren’t. Not to the same degree, but according to Oxford Languages, the very definition of marginalized means treated as peripheral. Many in western society still view women who choose not to have children as either selfish, or as souls to be pitied, instead of as self-aware thinkers who make a conscious decision not to increase the planet’s population just because of peer pressure.
There is a scene in the film, While You Were Sleeping, in which Sandra Bullock’s character is asked by her supervisor to work on Christmas even though she worked on Thanksgiving. Sheepishly he offers, “Lucy, you are the only one without family.” Wow. Ok, yes, that is just a line from a 1995 movie, but guess what? Childless employees are still marginalized in the workplace.
According to a June 2022 study in The Society for Human Resource Management (yes, that’s really a thing), 74% of respondents believed that people with children are treated better in the workplace. Here’s the kicker, 8 out of 10 of the respondents were parents. The underlying assumption by management being that the employees without children have more free time or less commitments than those who are parents. Seriously?
While so much more could be said, and the solution is somewhat elusive, for now I will just send a message to a woman I recently met who said that she felt that she was “less of a woman” for never having children.
You are a lovely human. You are a kind and loyal friend. You are a completely whole woman.
You are enough.
Maybe that is a good place to start.
